Rapid Ageing in Washington

Our popular Terra-based correspondent, earthly body inhabitor, Boris Ridgeoff,
met with a terrible fate on January 20th, while travelling to and from Washington, DC, the capitol of the USofA, a powerful country at west side of our Attachment Planet. Boris went there on assignment to investigate the local deviation of the Charles-Augustin de Coulomb’s law, F=kq1q2/r2), observed by our FarSide of the MoOn spy telescopes. The Coulomb’s Law deviation apparently resulted from an alarming lack of overall charge neutrality of the human to human interaction due to the preponderance of negative charge among the truly enormous crowds there. Our Selenic quantum-algorithm-simulating Mother Of All Computers (MOAC) has calculated that the crushing surge of -e particles, emanating from the podium, has disrupted the equilibrium that has been held on the planet Terra since it had first coalesced into a rock 4.54 billion terrestrial years ago.

It was later observed that the George Simon Ohm’s Law, V = RI, was not upheld during that day either, even though both, the median distribution of the Voltage (V) and the Current (A) appeared normal, but the Resistance (Ω) was futile! The latter phenomenon quite possibly further disrupted the local Charles-Augustin de Coulomb’s law compliance as well.

Due to all these unusual and disturbing electrodynamic surface events, Mr. Ridgeoff was subjected to an extreme acceleration-deceleration force of wildly variable magnitude and direction. This resulted in accelerated aging of his already stressed to the tilt protein-wired journalist body. His before and after photos are seriously disquieting. Mr. Ridgeoff will have to decide now if he still wished to remain in his present state of Terra-bound organic decomposition or comeback home to the MoOn and get his new fiber-reinforced awesome feminoid physique.

Boris before the Inauguration
Boris After the Inauguration

Hillary Clinton Considers Emigrating to MoOn

Today loonies were very excited by the new revelations that Hillary Clinton—bitter, enraged, despondent after her unexpected election loss last year— is considering immigrating to the MoOn. As reported to us by her personal aid, who wished to remain anonymous, Clinton has not decided yet if she wished to visit our silver Rock alive and in her own body or would rather throw herself off a cliff and get post mortally transformatively reincarnated into the ultimate fiber-reinforced Super feminoid. A powerful former first lady, senator, and secretary of state will have to learn that structure of the social fabric in the Land of the MoOn, especially on the Far Side, is quite unlike the one she has been accustomed to on her corrupt home planet. Loonies do not have the so-called “representative democracy,” thus she will not be able to run for an office, as there are no offices or elections here. In due time, however, as her age will have advanced and she will have gained some selenic wisdom, she may be recommended to join the Lunar governing body, the Supreme Authority of the Selenic Safta Yishuv (SASSY) as an Apprentice Oracle.

It’s not yet clear if her hubby is going to tag alone, but he might be seduced by the all feminoid planetary environment.

Ivanka Trump Kidnapped

On September 21, walking home after the Young Professionals Sukkot Dinner at the Shul of their Lubavitch Centre on 2110 Leroy Place in Washington, with their phones still turned off, Ivanka Trump and her husband were kidnapped by several heavily armed people, of unidentifiable gender, dressed in white and wearing It masks and hemp clothes. At first, when the power couple so suddenly vanished, people guessed that they just decided to skip Washington during the hard times ahead. However, as it was later revealed, the true story was quite different.

Trump and Kushner were found and rescued a long time later, right after the midterm elections of 2018. They appeared to be doing quite well, though Ivanka’s head was completely covered by the traditional Lithuanian headscarf and she was wearing flat shoes, while Jared was wearing Old Norse kyrtill and brøkur. His hair was so long that it completely covered his shoulders while his beard covered his chest.

Subsequently, it was disclosed that they both converted to Dievturība, which explained why Ivanka no longer had to shave her head, as required by the strict rabbinical law, but only shave her armpits, legs, and maybe something else if she so desired, while her husband didn’t have to shave at all. It was revealed that they were kidnapped by a small band of Forest Brothers, Lithuanian WWII partisans still waging guerrilla war in the Scandinavian forests from time to time, and stealthily transported by horse carriages to a Lithuanian village, Kretinga, a place in which, naturally, no one even imagined to be looking for the First Daughter and her hubby. Kushner was also seen carrying a tattered copy of the Snorri’s Edda manuscript.

When asked about their ordeal, Ms. Trump reportedly said she missed her kids and her parents a lot and is very SAD to have disappointed her daddy so much. When asked if she and Jared were suffering from the Stockholm syndrome as they seemed to be willingly accepted the religion of their captors, who were known Nazi collaborators, Ivanka stated firmly, “I will not be distracted by the noise.”

Immigration to the MoOn

Ever since this blog was introduced into the terrestrial cyberspace, we  have been inundated with the requests for more information about the process of immigration to the MoOn. The Immigrant Visa Programme for Humans and their Attached Species (IVPHAS, not to be confused with IPHAS: the INT/WFC Photometric H-Alpha Survey of the Northern Galactic Plane) is handled by the Ministry of Selestial Affairs (MSA), Immigration Division.

The potential applicants are naturally of two distinct kinds, those who are still alive and those who had passed away. The latter category is much more numerous. Preferential treatments, followed by a speedy reconstruction, were granted to the dead earthlings by the special Committee for Historical Revision (CHR), a powerful lobby. About 75.33 per cent of the CHR revisionists belong to the Historical Materialism branch of historiography. CHR grants the Special Status visas to the terrestrial humans who have proven to be extraordinary in their achievements. As an artifact of what the selenic anthropologists call the phenomenon of the Extreme Historical Inaccuracy of the terrestrial written and oral traditions of record keeping, these humans are predominantly the DWM, unfortunately. This category, however, straight off the bat excluded all the celebrated generals, kings, and various tribal leaders who had gained their historical superstar status by leading other men into legendary wars and battles. Many of the latter have used the best undead lawyers to achieve selenic reincarnation and escape their predicaments in the underworlds of their particular religious variety. Naturally, most of those who, during their terrestrial lives, had been baptised into the various types of monotheism, were trying to escape the clutches of their respective gory hells. However, their applications were routinely discarded without even being examined. There were some loonies, we must add, who were greatly troubled by this discriminatory practice, as they claimed that the historical deeds of these military leaders were entirely gender-based acts and that being reconstructed into fibrous feminoid bodies, followed by a few years of intense muliebrity rehabilitation, would completely eradicate their sociopathy. Nevertheless, those protests have usually fallen on deaf ears, so to speak, (N.B., actually, loonies do not have ears; this earth-bound colloquial expression is used strictly in its common signifier-based language whereas loonies use a metalanguage algorithms, see more on this in our next week’s posts).

The following, is an official announcement by IVPHAS that concerns applications for permanent residency from the relatives or guardians of the currently

cryogenically-frozen human terrestrial subjects. IVPHAS spokesloonie announced last week that only the applicants who had been frozen by the process of vitrification using solid carbon dioxide would be considered. Furthermore, the applicants must submit the 120 pages notarized proclamation, they have received, that their cryogenically-frozen human a) will automatically agree to be epigenetically-reprogrammed into a fibrous-bodied Jewess and b) for the rest of her lunar existence submit to the Supreme Authority of the Selenic Safta Yishuv  (SASSY).

Donald Trump Announces Plan to Switch his Party Membership to Democrat

Loonies, the humanoid species presently awake on the Far Side of the MoOn, were all abuzz today, Sep. 10, digesting the breaking news from their Attachment Planet, Terra. As first reported by Boris Ridgeoff, our Terra-based correspondent, the American president, Donald Trump, has switched his party membership.

Speculation abound, as various commentators rushed to comment and the oracles rushed to predict the future of American and world politics and the overall chances of survival of the  current terrestrial civilization. The selenic AI operators were put into function overload mode in the push to transcribe all the commentaries into the loonies’ native language, Pathon n-2.    The following is a transcribed report of the breaking news by our special correspondent, Lunatic Ridge.

At an unannounced and unexpected rally in Panguitch, Utah, before a cheering crowd of what appeared to be the majority of the adult population there, and flanked by his entire family, including all of his grandchildren, president Donald Trump took the crowd by surprise when he announced he was switching political parties—again—going back to being a Democrat.

The 45th president of the United State of America told his bewildered supporters, “Today, I will tell you, with lots of prayers and lots of thinking, and lots of cable news watching, I can’t help you anymore being a GOP President. So, tomorrow, I will be changing my registration to Democrat. I want to be popular with every American”, Donald continued, “not just with the bunch of losers, like yourself.” While the crowd of supporters and a nearby small pack of protesters appeared to be stunned and began the process of digesting this announcement, the president’s security detail grabbed Mr. and Mrs. Trump and his family members, and whisked them away.

Theodor Herzl Reincarnated on the Moon

Latest News from MoonLand

To avoid religious strife and wars, all loonies have converted into Lubaviche Judaism by a visiting spirit of Theodor Herzl. Mr. Herzl’s spirit had been trapped in the 4th dimension for several decades as he had been looking, to no avail, for a safe and peaceful place to reincarnate. The grateful MoOn inhabitants reconstructed his body in their image and granted him the position of the Principal Priestess at the Sahara Temple. Herzl had to be explained that this was a more honorable title than his old earthly Chozeh HaMedinah, though it expressed a similar meaning.

Herzl announced that this was his 13th—and most successful— reincarnation and that he is now inhabiting a woman’s body and soul.

Following this planet-wide religious conversion,  A Yiddishe Momme became the national anthem on the MoOn. It had to be transcribed into Python, the native lunar language, using the latest advances in Digital Analytics, the gurus of which are residing in the very first Selenic Grand NanoDome in their capital city MaNo.

Frankfurt School Protests Neo-Nazi and Trump

News From The Moon

On Friday night Karl Marx who, following popular demand, was reconstructed last year, visited the Frankfurt school lunar habitat for dinner. His sidekick, Friedrich, did not follow him to dinner saying that he doesn’t feel comfortable in the company of only partially rehabilitated males. Engels, in fact, has completed his gender transition and rehabilitation in record time, and even started referring to himself as the Mother, rather than the father of feminism.

A meal started out in high spirits, however, by the time the dessert was served everyone moved into the telecasts dome and watched Donald Trump’s 3rd attempt to comment on the tragic Charlottesville events. The mood then quickly turned sour. Marx, especially, did not take the comparison to the Nazis in stride. He reminded his DWM comrades how often, after reading his so-called followers’ “mind-boggling claptrap,” he stated that he was “not a Marxist.”

Illustration by Patrick Bremer

That night he, Theodor W. Adorno, and Antonio Gramsci were overheard having a serious fight. Loonies were surprise to see Karl’s hair covered with what appeared from a distance as large amount of ashes. Since the Selenic atmosphere does not support the combustion process, this sighting gave rise to some wild speculations.

Marx was seen running around the dome in circles, tearing his clothes, and pouring more grey stuff on his head. He was overheard screaming: Schlimazl, moyshe kapoyer, gonif  and, Ich gehe plotz! Das ist alles fercockt, fercockt!

Gramci was sitting on the ground alternating between sobbing and screaming, Vaffanculo, stupido grande! Non è colpa mia! Non è colpa mia!

While Adorno appeared distraught and was overheard mumbling alter kocker and F-fucking Scale to no one in particular.

Adorno was later seen wondering into the Trump’s supporters camp, situated by the local watering hole, inhabited by the newest wave of the terrestrial DWM reconstructs, who had died mostly of natural causes, such as severe constipation, untreated due to the very high health insurance premiums blamed on the Obamacare. He was reported running around and yelling, F-fucking Scale, conventionalism, authoritarian submission, Unbewusste Emotionale Impulse, anti-intellectualism, authoritarian aggression, Allgemeine Feindseligkeit , anti-intraceptionsuperstition and stereotypy, Leistung und Zähheit, projectivity, Übertriebene Bedenken bezüglich sexueller Geschehnisse, and F-fucking impotent for several hours.

 The following day, he and Gramci were reported to appear in front of the city hall Nonagon, both weeping, with a huge banner saying Widerstandsfähigkeit Is Futile on the front and Hasta la Vista, Baby on the back.

Moon is populated by humanoid race of Loonies

Even though the experiments on human reconstruction have been carried out in secret for a long time through costly and prolonged experimentation, Da Costa and Delacourt’s remains were reconstructed into first ever embodied AI by a recently developed method of nanocrystallization of oxidized nanocelluloses which were electrospun into composite nanofibers. The inorganic-organic nature of these nanofibers, with their dramatically improved interfacial adhesion, allows them to be further spun into the fibers at regular human scale dimension. And these precisely were the fibers used to weave the new bodies of Jessica and Max. From a distance they resembled popular field constructions used by farmers the world over.

Max and Jessica’s children’s sexual orientation cannot be determined as they all lacked both the primary and the secondary sexual characteristics. On closer examination, however, they all resemble females. NASA scientist explained to our special correspondent, Boris Ridgeoff,  that the asexual reproduction can only produce this primitive primordial gender anyway. Boris was able to interview a prominent Reddit user, RabidTheropithecus, a close confidante of Alex Jones, who confided into him that the moon inhabitants, spawned by Da Costa and Delacourt, possess neither body fluids nor bone marrow, as the near vacuum selenian conditions would cause any body fluids to burst out.

At this point, it is not exactly clear who was involved in the reconstruction and who paid for it. However, RabidTheropithecus stated that everyone suspect that Queen Elizabeth and the Chinese Chapter of the order of Illuminati were involved. At the time of printing this has not been confirmed.





Alex Jones apologized about this previous “erroneous” statements regarding NASA’s juvenile slave colonies on Mars. Mr. Jones told the prominent British journalist, who wished to remain anonymous, that those children slave colonies were actually located not on Mars, but on the Moon. Alex Jones’ interview was published in Monday’s edition of the respectable Tuesday Post.


Consequently, it was further revealed that Max Da Costa and Jessica Delacourt, who we all witnessed to be blown to pieces on Elysium, did not, in fact, die. Their scattered remains were collected by advanced methods of Vacuum Harvesting and, occasionally, by hand. Da Costa’s and Delacourt’s cellular and tissue remains were separately reconstructed using positionally-controlled guided mechanosynthesis and placed on the Moon, as their new bodies could no longer sustain terrestrial gravity.

While being alone on the Moon, Max and Jessica, after the initial despair, fell in love, got married, and procreated thousands of progeny by methods of asexual reproduction. Due to the properties of lunar surface and atmospheric conditions, the children never reached their parents’ height and most grew up to be maximum 125 centimetre tall. Mr. Jones believes, it this particular outcome that got the observers misguided about the age of these extraterrestrial beings and to erroneously conclude that they were enslaved by the NASA scientists.

Life on the Moon Confirmed by North Korea

Millennia-old hopes and beliefs that there is life on the Moon have finally gained ground after Tyler Glockner and his associates discovered footage of sightings that show what appears to be buildings and highways on the surface of our only heavenly sputnik. Glockner stated last week that this footage had been kept secret and concealed by NASA for over two decades. Meanwhile, a prominent Russian former astronaut, who asked to remain anonymous, related in the interview with the RF news agency, New Normalnost’, that she has little doubts there is life on the Moon.

This scientific breakthrough, as our sources reveal, came during the recent Solar eclipse event on August 21, 2017. Using the highly advanced Nanoscale telescope lens, developed by the North Korean scientists, which on the day of the eclipse were focused on the certain spots on the Moon while it was directly in front of the Sun, the Maoist astrophysics were able to clearly discern not only the sophisticated structures on the Moon, but even its humanoid inhabitants.

Furthermore, Richard Hoagland—a former NASA consultant—confirmed to our special correspondent, Lunatic Ridge, that he personally has often observed “numerous geometric ground features,” such as colossal 3-D pyramidal and octagonal shapes, exhibiting highly unusual and evidently non-earth origin and nonregular polytope numbers. An occasional presence of such lunar non-Euclidean geometric structures as numerous, clearly discernible during the eclipse Poincaré hyperbolic disks, was further revealed by the application of that high-accuracy advanced telescopic nono-lens, installed on at the observatories in the mountainous regions of the Korean peninsula.