Ivanka Trump Kidnapped

On September 21, walking home after the Young Professionals Sukkot Dinner at the Shul of their Lubavitch Centre on 2110 Leroy Place in Washington, with their phones still turned off, Ivanka Trump and her husband were kidnapped by several heavily armed people, of unidentifiable gender, dressed in white and wearing It masks and hemp clothes. At first, when the power couple so suddenly vanished, people guessed that they just decided to skip Washington during the hard times ahead. However, as it was later revealed, the true story was quite different.

Trump and Kushner were found and rescued a long time later, right after the midterm elections of 2018. They appeared to be doing quite well, though Ivanka’s head was completely covered by the traditional Lithuanian headscarf and she was wearing flat shoes, while Jared was wearing Old Norse kyrtill and brøkur. His hair was so long that it completely covered his shoulders while his beard covered his chest.

Subsequently, it was disclosed that they both converted to Dievturība, which explained why Ivanka no longer had to shave her head, as required by the strict rabbinical law, but only shave her armpits, legs, and maybe something else if she so desired, while her husband didn’t have to shave at all. It was revealed that they were kidnapped by a small band of Forest Brothers, Lithuanian WWII partisans still waging guerrilla war in the Scandinavian forests from time to time, and stealthily transported by horse carriages to a Lithuanian village, Kretinga, a place in which, naturally, no one even imagined to be looking for the First Daughter and her hubby. Kushner was also seen carrying a tattered copy of the Snorri’s Edda manuscript.

When asked about their ordeal, Ms. Trump reportedly said she missed her kids and her parents a lot and is very SAD to have disappointed her daddy so much. When asked if she and Jared were suffering from the Stockholm syndrome as they seemed to be willingly accepted the religion of their captors, who were known Nazi collaborators, Ivanka stated firmly, “I will not be distracted by the noise.”

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