Our popular Terra-based correspondent, earthly body inhabitor, Boris Ridgeoff,
met with a terrible fate on January 20th, while travelling to and from Washington, DC, the capitol of the USofA, a powerful country at west side of our Attachment Planet. Boris went there on assignment to investigate the local deviation of the Charles-Augustin de Coulomb’s law, F=kq1q2/r2), observed by our FarSide of the MoOn spy telescopes. The Coulomb’s Law deviation apparently resulted from an alarming lack of overall charge neutrality of the human to human interaction due to the preponderance of negative charge among the truly enormous crowds there. Our Selenic quantum-algorithm-simulating Mother Of All Computers (MOAC) has calculated that the crushing surge of -e particles, emanating from the podium, has disrupted the equilibrium that has been held on the planet Terra since it had first coalesced into a rock 4.54 billion terrestrial years ago.
It was later observed that the George Simon Ohm’s Law, V = RI, was not upheld during that day either, even though both, the median distribution of the Voltage (V) and the Current (A) appeared normal, but the Resistance (Ω) was futile! The latter phenomenon quite possibly further disrupted the local Charles-Augustin de Coulomb’s law compliance as well.
Due to all these unusual and disturbing electrodynamic surface events, Mr. Ridgeoff was subjected to an extreme acceleration-deceleration force of wildly variable magnitude and direction. This resulted in accelerated aging of his already stressed to the tilt protein-wired journalist body. His before and after photos are seriously disquieting. Mr. Ridgeoff will have to decide now if he still wished to remain in his present state of Terra-bound organic decomposition or comeback home to the MoOn and get his new fiber-reinforced awesome feminoid physique.
On September 21, walking home after the Young Professionals Sukkot Dinner at the Shul of their Lubavitch Centre on 2110 Leroy Place in Washington, with their phones still turned off, Ivanka Trump and her husband were kidnapped by several heavily armed people, of unidentifiable gender, dressed in white and wearing It masks and hemp clothes. At first, when the power couple so suddenly vanished, people guessed that they just decided to skip Washington during the hard times ahead. However, as it was later revealed, the true story was quite different.
Trump and Kushner were found and rescued a long time later, right after the midterm elections of 2018. They appeared to be doing quite well, though Ivanka’s head was completely covered by the traditional Lithuanian headscarf and she was wearing flat shoes, while Jared was wearing Old Norse kyrtill and brøkur. His hair was so long that it completely covered his shoulders while his beard covered his chest.
Subsequently, it was disclosed that they both converted to Dievturība, which explained why Ivanka no longer had to shave her head, as required by the strict rabbinical law, but only shave her armpits, legs, and maybe something else if she so desired, while her husband didn’t have to shave at all. It was revealed that they were kidnapped by a small band of Forest Brothers, Lithuanian WWII partisans still waging guerrilla war in the Scandinavian forests from time to time, and stealthily transported by horse carriages to a Lithuanian village, Kretinga, a place in which, naturally, no one even imagined to be looking for the First Daughter and her hubby. Kushner was also seen carrying a tattered copy of the Snorri’s Edda manuscript.
When asked about their ordeal, Ms. Trump reportedly said she missed her kids and her parents a lot and is very SAD to have disappointed her daddy so much. When asked if she and Jared were suffering from the Stockholm syndrome as they seemed to be willingly accepted the religion of their captors, who were known Nazi collaborators, Ivanka stated firmly, “I will not be distracted by the noise.”
Loonies, the humanoid species presently awake on the Far Side of the MoOn, were all abuzz today, Sep. 10, digesting the breaking news from their Attachment Planet, Terra. As first reported by Boris Ridgeoff, our Terra-based correspondent, the American president, Donald Trump, has switched his party membership.
Speculation abound, as various commentators rushed to comment and the oracles rushed to predict the future of American and world politics and the overall chances of survival of the current terrestrial civilization. The selenic AI operators were put into function overload mode in the push to transcribe all the commentaries into the loonies’ native language, Pathonn-2. The following is a transcribed report of the breaking news by our special correspondent, Lunatic Ridge.
At an unannounced and unexpected rally in Panguitch, Utah, before a cheering crowd of what appeared to be the majority of the adult population there, and flanked by his entire family, including all of his grandchildren, president Donald Trump took the crowd by surprise when he announced he was switching political parties—again—going back to being a Democrat.
The 45th president of the United State of America told his bewildered supporters, “Today, I will tell you, with lots of prayers and lots of thinking, and lots of cable news watching, I can’t help you anymore being a GOP President. So, tomorrow, I will be changing my registration to Democrat. I want to be popular with every American”, Donald continued, “not just with the bunch of losers, like yourself.” While the crowd of supporters and a nearby small pack of protesters appeared to be stunned and began the process of digesting this announcement, the president’s security detail grabbed Mr. and Mrs. Trump and his family members, and whisked them away.
To avoid religious strife and wars, all loonies have converted into Lubaviche Judaism by a visiting spirit of Theodor Herzl. Mr. Herzl’s spirit had been trapped in the 4th dimension for several decades as he had been looking, to no avail, for a safe and peaceful place to reincarnate. The grateful MoOn inhabitants reconstructed his body in their image and granted him the position of the Principal Priestess at the Sahara Temple. Herzl had to be explained that this was a more honorable title than his old earthly Chozeh HaMedinah, though it expressed a similar meaning.
Herzl announced that this was his 13th—and most successful— reincarnation and that he is now inhabiting a woman’s body and soul.
Following this planet-wide religious conversion, A Yiddishe Momme became the national anthem on the MoOn. It had to be transcribed into Python, the native lunar language, using the latest advances in Digital Analytics, the gurus of which are residing in the very first Selenic Grand NanoDome in their capital city MaNo.