Immigration to the MoOn

Ever since this blog was introduced into the terrestrial cyberspace, we  have been inundated with the requests for more information about the process of immigration to the MoOn. The Immigrant Visa Programme for Humans and their Attached Species (IVPHAS, not to be confused with IPHAS: the INT/WFC Photometric H-Alpha Survey of the Northern Galactic Plane) is handled by the Ministry of Selestial Affairs (MSA), Immigration Division.

The potential applicants are naturally of two distinct kinds, those who are still alive and those who had passed away. The latter category is much more numerous. Preferential treatments, followed by a speedy reconstruction, were granted to the dead earthlings by the special Committee for Historical Revision (CHR), a powerful lobby. About 75.33 per cent of the CHR revisionists belong to the Historical Materialism branch of historiography. CHR grants the Special Status visas to the terrestrial humans who have proven to be extraordinary in their achievements. As an artifact of what the selenic anthropologists call the phenomenon of the Extreme Historical Inaccuracy of the terrestrial written and oral traditions of record keeping, these humans are predominantly the DWM, unfortunately. This category, however, straight off the bat excluded all the celebrated generals, kings, and various tribal leaders who had gained their historical superstar status by leading other men into legendary wars and battles. Many of the latter have used the best undead lawyers to achieve selenic reincarnation and escape their predicaments in the underworlds of their particular religious variety. Naturally, most of those who, during their terrestrial lives, had been baptised into the various types of monotheism, were trying to escape the clutches of their respective gory hells. However, their applications were routinely discarded without even being examined. There were some loonies, we must add, who were greatly troubled by this discriminatory practice, as they claimed that the historical deeds of these military leaders were entirely gender-based acts and that being reconstructed into fibrous feminoid bodies, followed by a few years of intense muliebrity rehabilitation, would completely eradicate their sociopathy. Nevertheless, those protests have usually fallen on deaf ears, so to speak, (N.B., actually, loonies do not have ears; this earth-bound colloquial expression is used strictly in its common signifier-based language whereas loonies use a metalanguage algorithms, see more on this in our next week’s posts).

The following, is an official announcement by IVPHAS that concerns applications for permanent residency from the relatives or guardians of the currently

cryogenically-frozen human terrestrial subjects. IVPHAS spokesloonie announced last week that only the applicants who had been frozen by the process of vitrification using solid carbon dioxide would be considered. Furthermore, the applicants must submit the 120 pages notarized proclamation, they have received, that their cryogenically-frozen human a) will automatically agree to be epigenetically-reprogrammed into a fibrous-bodied Jewess and b) for the rest of her lunar existence submit to the Supreme Authority of the Selenic Safta Yishuv  (SASSY).

Donald Trump Announces Plan to Switch his Party Membership to Democrat

Loonies, the humanoid species presently awake on the Far Side of the MoOn, were all abuzz today, Sep. 10, digesting the breaking news from their Attachment Planet, Terra. As first reported by Boris Ridgeoff, our Terra-based correspondent, the American president, Donald Trump, has switched his party membership.

Speculation abound, as various commentators rushed to comment and the oracles rushed to predict the future of American and world politics and the overall chances of survival of the  current terrestrial civilization. The selenic AI operators were put into function overload mode in the push to transcribe all the commentaries into the loonies’ native language, Pathon n-2.    The following is a transcribed report of the breaking news by our special correspondent, Lunatic Ridge.

At an unannounced and unexpected rally in Panguitch, Utah, before a cheering crowd of what appeared to be the majority of the adult population there, and flanked by his entire family, including all of his grandchildren, president Donald Trump took the crowd by surprise when he announced he was switching political parties—again—going back to being a Democrat.

The 45th president of the United State of America told his bewildered supporters, “Today, I will tell you, with lots of prayers and lots of thinking, and lots of cable news watching, I can’t help you anymore being a GOP President. So, tomorrow, I will be changing my registration to Democrat. I want to be popular with every American”, Donald continued, “not just with the bunch of losers, like yourself.” While the crowd of supporters and a nearby small pack of protesters appeared to be stunned and began the process of digesting this announcement, the president’s security detail grabbed Mr. and Mrs. Trump and his family members, and whisked them away.

Theodor Herzl Reincarnated on the Moon

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To avoid religious strife and wars, all loonies have converted into Lubaviche Judaism by a visiting spirit of Theodor Herzl. Mr. Herzl’s spirit had been trapped in the 4th dimension for several decades as he had been looking, to no avail, for a safe and peaceful place to reincarnate. The grateful MoOn inhabitants reconstructed his body in their image and granted him the position of the Principal Priestess at the Sahara Temple. Herzl had to be explained that this was a more honorable title than his old earthly Chozeh HaMedinah, though it expressed a similar meaning.

Herzl announced that this was his 13th—and most successful— reincarnation and that he is now inhabiting a woman’s body and soul.

Following this planet-wide religious conversion,  A Yiddishe Momme became the national anthem on the MoOn. It had to be transcribed into Python, the native lunar language, using the latest advances in Digital Analytics, the gurus of which are residing in the very first Selenic Grand NanoDome in their capital city MaNo.

Frankfurt School Protests Neo-Nazi and Trump

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On Friday night Karl Marx who, following popular demand, was reconstructed last year, visited the Frankfurt school lunar habitat for dinner. His sidekick, Friedrich, did not follow him to dinner saying that he doesn’t feel comfortable in the company of only partially rehabilitated males. Engels, in fact, has completed his gender transition and rehabilitation in record time, and even started referring to himself as the Mother, rather than the father of feminism.

A meal started out in high spirits, however, by the time the dessert was served everyone moved into the telecasts dome and watched Donald Trump’s 3rd attempt to comment on the tragic Charlottesville events. The mood then quickly turned sour. Marx, especially, did not take the comparison to the Nazis in stride. He reminded his DWM comrades how often, after reading his so-called followers’ “mind-boggling claptrap,” he stated that he was “not a Marxist.”

Illustration by Patrick Bremer

That night he, Theodor W. Adorno, and Antonio Gramsci were overheard having a serious fight. Loonies were surprise to see Karl’s hair covered with what appeared from a distance as large amount of ashes. Since the Selenic atmosphere does not support the combustion process, this sighting gave rise to some wild speculations.

Marx was seen running around the dome in circles, tearing his clothes, and pouring more grey stuff on his head. He was overheard screaming: Schlimazl, moyshe kapoyer, gonif  and, Ich gehe plotz! Das ist alles fercockt, fercockt!

Gramci was sitting on the ground alternating between sobbing and screaming, Vaffanculo, stupido grande! Non è colpa mia! Non è colpa mia!

While Adorno appeared distraught and was overheard mumbling alter kocker and F-fucking Scale to no one in particular.

Adorno was later seen wondering into the Trump’s supporters camp, situated by the local watering hole, inhabited by the newest wave of the terrestrial DWM reconstructs, who had died mostly of natural causes, such as severe constipation, untreated due to the very high health insurance premiums blamed on the Obamacare. He was reported running around and yelling, F-fucking Scale, conventionalism, authoritarian submission, Unbewusste Emotionale Impulse, anti-intellectualism, authoritarian aggression, Allgemeine Feindseligkeit , anti-intraceptionsuperstition and stereotypy, Leistung und Zähheit, projectivity, Übertriebene Bedenken bezüglich sexueller Geschehnisse, and F-fucking impotent for several hours.

 The following day, he and Gramci were reported to appear in front of the city hall Nonagon, both weeping, with a huge banner saying Widerstandsfähigkeit Is Futile on the front and Hasta la Vista, Baby on the back.