Rapid Ageing in Washington

Our popular Terra-based correspondent, earthly body inhabitor, Boris Ridgeoff,
met with a terrible fate on January 20th, while travelling to and from Washington, DC, the capitol of the USofA, a powerful country at west side of our Attachment Planet. Boris went there on assignment to investigate the local deviation of the Charles-Augustin de Coulomb’s law, F=kq1q2/r2), observed by our FarSide of the MoOn spy telescopes. The Coulomb’s Law deviation apparently resulted from an alarming lack of overall charge neutrality of the human to human interaction due to the preponderance of negative charge among the truly enormous crowds there. Our Selenic quantum-algorithm-simulating Mother Of All Computers (MOAC) has calculated that the crushing surge of -e particles, emanating from the podium, has disrupted the equilibrium that has been held on the planet Terra since it had first coalesced into a rock 4.54 billion terrestrial years ago.

It was later observed that the George Simon Ohm’s Law, V = RI, was not upheld during that day either, even though both, the median distribution of the Voltage (V) and the Current (A) appeared normal, but the Resistance (Ω) was futile! The latter phenomenon quite possibly further disrupted the local Charles-Augustin de Coulomb’s law compliance as well.

Due to all these unusual and disturbing electrodynamic surface events, Mr. Ridgeoff was subjected to an extreme acceleration-deceleration force of wildly variable magnitude and direction. This resulted in accelerated aging of his already stressed to the tilt protein-wired journalist body. His before and after photos are seriously disquieting. Mr. Ridgeoff will have to decide now if he still wished to remain in his present state of Terra-bound organic decomposition or comeback home to the MoOn and get his new fiber-reinforced awesome feminoid physique.

Boris before the Inauguration
Boris After the Inauguration

Immigration to the MoOn

Ever since this blog was introduced into the terrestrial cyberspace, we  have been inundated with the requests for more information about the process of immigration to the MoOn. The Immigrant Visa Programme for Humans and their Attached Species (IVPHAS, not to be confused with IPHAS: the INT/WFC Photometric H-Alpha Survey of the Northern Galactic Plane) is handled by the Ministry of Selestial Affairs (MSA), Immigration Division.

The potential applicants are naturally of two distinct kinds, those who are still alive and those who had passed away. The latter category is much more numerous. Preferential treatments, followed by a speedy reconstruction, were granted to the dead earthlings by the special Committee for Historical Revision (CHR), a powerful lobby. About 75.33 per cent of the CHR revisionists belong to the Historical Materialism branch of historiography. CHR grants the Special Status visas to the terrestrial humans who have proven to be extraordinary in their achievements. As an artifact of what the selenic anthropologists call the phenomenon of the Extreme Historical Inaccuracy of the terrestrial written and oral traditions of record keeping, these humans are predominantly the DWM, unfortunately. This category, however, straight off the bat excluded all the celebrated generals, kings, and various tribal leaders who had gained their historical superstar status by leading other men into legendary wars and battles. Many of the latter have used the best undead lawyers to achieve selenic reincarnation and escape their predicaments in the underworlds of their particular religious variety. Naturally, most of those who, during their terrestrial lives, had been baptised into the various types of monotheism, were trying to escape the clutches of their respective gory hells. However, their applications were routinely discarded without even being examined. There were some loonies, we must add, who were greatly troubled by this discriminatory practice, as they claimed that the historical deeds of these military leaders were entirely gender-based acts and that being reconstructed into fibrous feminoid bodies, followed by a few years of intense muliebrity rehabilitation, would completely eradicate their sociopathy. Nevertheless, those protests have usually fallen on deaf ears, so to speak, (N.B., actually, loonies do not have ears; this earth-bound colloquial expression is used strictly in its common signifier-based language whereas loonies use a metalanguage algorithms, see more on this in our next week’s posts).

The following, is an official announcement by IVPHAS that concerns applications for permanent residency from the relatives or guardians of the currently

cryogenically-frozen human terrestrial subjects. IVPHAS spokesloonie announced last week that only the applicants who had been frozen by the process of vitrification using solid carbon dioxide would be considered. Furthermore, the applicants must submit the 120 pages notarized proclamation, they have received, that their cryogenically-frozen human a) will automatically agree to be epigenetically-reprogrammed into a fibrous-bodied Jewess and b) for the rest of her lunar existence submit to the Supreme Authority of the Selenic Safta Yishuv  (SASSY).