Ivanka Trump Kidnapped

On September 21, walking home after the Young Professionals Sukkot Dinner at the Shul of their Lubavitch Centre on 2110 Leroy Place in Washington, with their phones still turned off, Ivanka Trump and her husband were kidnapped by several heavily armed people, of unidentifiable gender, dressed in white and wearing It masks and hemp clothes. At first, when the power couple so suddenly vanished, people guessed that they just decided to skip Washington during the hard times ahead. However, as it was later revealed, the true story was quite different.

Trump and Kushner were found and rescued a long time later, right after the midterm elections of 2018. They appeared to be doing quite well, though Ivanka’s head was completely covered by the traditional Lithuanian headscarf and she was wearing flat shoes, while Jared was wearing Old Norse kyrtill and brøkur. His hair was so long that it completely covered his shoulders while his beard covered his chest.

Subsequently, it was disclosed that they both converted to Dievturība, which explained why Ivanka no longer had to shave her head, as required by the strict rabbinical law, but only shave her armpits, legs, and maybe something else if she so desired, while her husband didn’t have to shave at all. It was revealed that they were kidnapped by a small band of Forest Brothers, Lithuanian WWII partisans still waging guerrilla war in the Scandinavian forests from time to time, and stealthily transported by horse carriages to a Lithuanian village, Kretinga, a place in which, naturally, no one even imagined to be looking for the First Daughter and her hubby. Kushner was also seen carrying a tattered copy of the Snorri’s Edda manuscript.

When asked about their ordeal, Ms. Trump reportedly said she missed her kids and her parents a lot and is very SAD to have disappointed her daddy so much. When asked if she and Jared were suffering from the Stockholm syndrome as they seemed to be willingly accepted the religion of their captors, who were known Nazi collaborators, Ivanka stated firmly, “I will not be distracted by the noise.”

Moscow Celebrates Her 870 Birthday!

 

To commemorate the date, on September 9th and 10th, the city invites its visitors to enjoy over two hundred free city tours. Today and tomorrow, the major Moscow museums will have free exhibitions. Scheduled the tours and museums plan to showcase the cultural, literary, and architectural accomplishment of the city’s past and present residents. Visitors can join walking, biking, and skateboarding tours that allow them to see the city through the eyes of Moscow’s celebrated and beloved (though, at times, persecuted or murdered) poets, artists, writers, and architects. The city invites its visitors and inhabitants to stroll though the oldest historical neighbourhood and learn about the turning moments in the lives of the inhabitants this very old European city. The parks and vast city squares will host dancing and athletic pageants and concerts.

Theodor Herzl Reincarnated on the Moon

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To avoid religious strife and wars, all loonies have converted into Lubaviche Judaism by a visiting spirit of Theodor Herzl. Mr. Herzl’s spirit had been trapped in the 4th dimension for several decades as he had been looking, to no avail, for a safe and peaceful place to reincarnate. The grateful MoOn inhabitants reconstructed his body in their image and granted him the position of the Principal Priestess at the Sahara Temple. Herzl had to be explained that this was a more honorable title than his old earthly Chozeh HaMedinah, though it expressed a similar meaning.

Herzl announced that this was his 13th—and most successful— reincarnation and that he is now inhabiting a woman’s body and soul.

Following this planet-wide religious conversion,  A Yiddishe Momme became the national anthem on the MoOn. It had to be transcribed into Python, the native lunar language, using the latest advances in Digital Analytics, the gurus of which are residing in the very first Selenic Grand NanoDome in their capital city MaNo.

Life on the Moon Confirmed by North Korea

Millennia-old hopes and beliefs that there is life on the Moon have finally gained ground after Tyler Glockner and his associates discovered footage of sightings that show what appears to be buildings and highways on the surface of our only heavenly sputnik. Glockner stated last week that this footage had been kept secret and concealed by NASA for over two decades. Meanwhile, a prominent Russian former astronaut, who asked to remain anonymous, related in the interview with the RF news agency, New Normalnost’, that she has little doubts there is life on the Moon.

This scientific breakthrough, as our sources reveal, came during the recent Solar eclipse event on August 21, 2017. Using the highly advanced Nanoscale telescope lens, developed by the North Korean scientists, which on the day of the eclipse were focused on the certain spots on the Moon while it was directly in front of the Sun, the Maoist astrophysics were able to clearly discern not only the sophisticated structures on the Moon, but even its humanoid inhabitants.

Furthermore, Richard Hoagland—a former NASA consultant—confirmed to our special correspondent, Lunatic Ridge, that he personally has often observed “numerous geometric ground features,” such as colossal 3-D pyramidal and octagonal shapes, exhibiting highly unusual and evidently non-earth origin and nonregular polytope numbers. An occasional presence of such lunar non-Euclidean geometric structures as numerous, clearly discernible during the eclipse Poincaré hyperbolic disks, was further revealed by the application of that high-accuracy advanced telescopic nono-lens, installed on at the observatories in the mountainous regions of the Korean peninsula.